The Ultimatum. Love Is Blind. The Bachelor. Married at First Sight. They might be the most popular dating shows on TV, but they all have something in common: the notion that the ideal relationship culminates in marriage. And if not, in the case of The Ultimatum, a breakup. Get hitched or split. How, in 2023, are these our only options?
Indeed, marriage rates are on the decline in the U.S., down by 60 percent since 1970. Reality TV is just not reflective of modern times, particularly of Gen Z, who is seemingly less interested in marriage than previous generations. According to a study from the Thriving Center of Psychology based on the 2020 U.S. census, 2 in 5 of the 906 Gen Zers and Millennials surveyed think that marriage is an outdated tradition, while 85 percent said that marriage is not necessary to have a fulfilled and committed relationship.
“Gen Z is a no-drama generation. They tend to be easy-going, conflict-avoidant, and can sometimes come across as non-committal,” explains eHarmony relationship expert Laurel House. “In attempting to avoid drama, many Gen Zers are jumping out of entanglements in styles that can be confusing for the person on the other end.”
Why hasn’t reality TV—and I use the term “reality” loosely—caught up with the times? After all, dating shows are quick, easy, and cheap to produce. And thanks to streaming services, they’re also experiencing a renaissance, despite their continual focus on cisgender, heteronormative relationships. That’s kind of boring, right?
“The focus on traditional, straight relationships is easy and lazy, allowing producers and story editors to play into existing cliches and tropes, like an alleged fairy tale wedding,” says Andy Dehnart, TV critic and editor of Reality Blurred. “Of course, those expectations are often the source of a lot of pain when things don’t go as they do in movies or commercials. Reality TV shows can actually highlight the absurdity of gender roles. For example, in The Bachelor, the male star proposes to one of the women. On The Bachelorette, the female star waits around to see if one of the men will propose to her as if it would be unimaginable for a woman to propose to a man.”
Indeed, this trivialization of “happily ever after” also draws attention to the struggle the LGBTQ+ community has had to overcome concerning marriage equality, which was only federalized in the United States in 2015. “As a gay kid, I grew up hearing conservatives shouting about how gay marriage would somehow harm traditional marriage, and then, more than a decade before gay marriage became legal in the U.S., came reality TV to turn proposals and marriage into a sideshow, starting with Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?” adds Denhart.
“Hollywood realized it could use marriage as a way to heighten the stakes and consequences of reality TV shows. It’s simultaneously treated as a prize and a threat, but of course, people can just get divorced, so it just becomes a meaningless speed bump in those cases. Of course, real marriages end in divorce, too, but real relationships aren’t formed in two weeks of whirlwind trips or 10 days talking to a wall in a pod.”
Get hitched or split. How, in 2023, are these our only options?
For Meghan Freed, divorce attorney, relationship expert and managing partner at Freed Marcroft LLC in Connecticut, reality dating shows are less about marriage and more about the festivities that tend to get you there: weddings. “Weddings are the reality show version of clickbait,” she says. “Of course, weddings are not the same as marriages. Despite the trope that the wedding is the fairy tale ending to romantic relationships, the commitment of marriage ultimately has very little to do with the ceremony that launches them.”
Unsurprisingly, out of the couples that were still together by the finale episodes of shows like The Bachelor, Love Is Blind, and Married at First Sight, fewer than 50 percent stayed together after the cameras stopped rolling. MAFS U.S. particularly has led to only 11 long-term relationships out of 59 “scientific” matches; that’s a success rate of just 18 percent.
The good news is that Gen Zers aren’t throwing themselves into marriage with the same level of reckless abandon as reality dating show personalities, quite the opposite in fact. They’re more intentional in choosing lifelong partners, and place a high importance on protecting their assets. As Freed notes: younger generations are entering into prenups more than ever before.
“People are still choosing to get married, but they are taking their marriages more seriously. The truth is that when we marry, we opt into a set of laws that we may or may not agree with—my divorce clients all have a lot to say about that,” she says. “Prenups allow us to largely decide how we want things to look should we exit the relationship down the road. I love that more and more Gen Z folks are doing prenups—it means they are far more intentional about marriage and designing their futures.”
So maybe that’s it: We just need to adjust our expectations. Reality dating shows aren’t about love or marriage at all—those concepts are merely tools to create drama—or for “acceptable voyeurism,” as Denhart observes. And if reality TV execs are looking for pitches for a realistic Gen Z dating show, I think Prenup Planners could have real legs.
