[Editor’s Note: This Community Voices piece comes from Lydia Thomson of the U.K.]
There are such a lot of methods you may slice a DNF (didn’t end). “It simply wasn’t your day.” “You probably did the proper factor.” “Figuring out when to cease is even more durable than ending.” “You’ll come again stronger.” “It’s nonetheless an ideal achievement.”
After I dropped from my first try at working 100 miles, on the 2023 Thames Path 100 Mile, these types of encouraging condolences got here flooding in from my buddies. I nodded weakly and mentioned, “Thanks,” however on the time, none of those truly sat proper. What did I need individuals to say?
In the course of the hour I spent sitting in an help station at mile 71, I desperately wished somebody to simply stage with me. To correctly hear me out. I do know what a low level seems to be like, and this wasn’t it. Variety hearts pressed sweets into my arms and invited me to stroll with them. “Have some sizzling meals earlier than you resolve. Some tacky beans?” My eyes flooded with tears. I might solely smile and shake my head.
My DNF was as a result of a certain quantity of psychological burnout. I used to be within the technique of transferring home and altering jobs on the time. About 45 miles into the race, the River Thames overwhelmed me and I had a panic assault. I imagined strolling into the following help station and dramatically proclaiming, “It’s not my physique that’s injured, it’s my thoughts.”
Working 100 miles is a fierce and delightful beast, and in case you have something occurring mentally or bodily, the race will discover it and power you to stare lengthy and laborious at it. It’s not about how far you may run, it’s about how lengthy you may stare.
Lydia Thomson through the 2023 Thames Path 100 Mile. All photographs courtesy of Lydia Thompson.
“That is the place you’ll uncover who you actually are,” one type runner mentioned to me. “However what if I don’t need to know?” I replied, and the entire help station laughed in sympathy. However it was the truest factor I might have mentioned.
So right here, now, on the sweat-soaked, dribbling finish of the race, nursing a cup of tea, I had no tenacity left to rally. However neither did I come right here for a demise march. I used to be right here to do my finest and nothing much less. A fizzing, bright-eyed girl instructed me that if I completed this one, I might by no means need to do one other one. However that was the precise drawback: I desperately wished to do one other one, and do it higher.
As I sat there, watching the ladies who had been behind me flood into the help station, I selected to be taught from and be impressed by them. Subsequent time, I too could be marching neatly towards the snacks, choosing precisely what I wanted with nimble fingers and laughing with the volunteers.
The time it takes to run an ultramarathon is a very very long time. It’s a very long time to be sad. I’m not speaking concerning the regular ebbs and flows, the crushing low factors, the ache cave or bonking. I imply basically having an atrocious day. I’d felt cripplingly low for 10-plus hours by this level. There was no approach I used to be getting back from the lifeless. I had discovered sufficient and there was nothing to be gained from me carrying on. It might solely impede my possibilities of doing this once more quickly, and doing it how I wished to.
In case your important aim is to complete the race, then you shouldn’t drop simply since you’re having a foul day. But when the wheels haven’t solely come off, however they’ve rolled into the river and been swept out to sea, and also you’ve nonetheless received 30 miles to go, you might be allowed to throw within the soggy towel.
I need to normalize dropping from a race simply since you actually, truthfully don’t need to proceed. I need a model of this sport the place there isn’t any glory within the demise march — not when you don’t need it. Individuals instructed me I’d be kicking myself for dropping. I by no means, ever did. You realize why? As a result of that is what my buddies additionally mentioned:
“That was an ideal coaching run. You’ll get it subsequent time.”
I gave myself a while earlier than I booked the following try to ensure I’d go into it with the proper physique and thoughts. Three months later, I used to be on the beginning line for the 2023 North Downs Manner 100 Mile, a hillier course that higher suited my soul. I went out at a very conservative tempo, and over the course of the day, I moved up the rankings. Within the last 10 kilometers, kicking with every little thing I had left, I overtook a lady to place myself on the rostrum. I completed in third place and in simply over 23 hours.
Lydia Thomson crossing the end line on the 2023 North Downs Manner 100 Mile, her first 100-mile end.
Retribution feels fairly nice. It feels significantly nice as a result of this was what I wished to be able to. All I wished was to complete sturdy. However the place does that depart the DNF?
Some of the hanging issues about Sally McRae’s latest movies — “Each Step Ahead” and “Racing Tahoe” — is the style by which she relentlessly pushes on. Her toes are mainly falling off and her abdomen is completely failing her for miles of the races, however nonetheless she strives. Likewise, listeners to Dylan Bowman’s account of his 2023 Hardrock 100 on the Freetrail podcast can be left totally awestruck that he completed that race in any respect. It’s an astonishing journey of the thoughts.
What is obvious in each of those circumstances is that they’d a robust “why” for ending. They’d a better goal. And certainly, if somebody had mentioned to me, “You could end this race for the sake of the illustration of girls on this sport,” I wish to suppose that I might have rallied for this goal.
By the way, through the 100 miler that I did end, I used to be on my interval, and had a low level once I realized it was 10 miles till the following rest room the place I might discreetly change. And I had cramps. Simply as I used to be knee deep in sulking, none apart from Sophie Energy — founding father of the group SheRACES — ran previous me in the wrong way, waving and smiling on a coaching run.
Instantly my completely manageable concern paled into insignificance. I used to be not alone with this drawback on this world. I used to be experiencing one thing that she was actively working to make higher. It was simply the tinder I wanted to give up my pity get together and begin combating once more.
That’s what resolve felt like. That’s what I couldn’t entry the primary time. Maybe that is the marker of success or failure.
I believe I might solely do any of this due to the DNF. I’m grateful for it. Settled in my new residence within the weeks after the race, and again working the paths, I used to be grateful that I saved my legs the agony of that further 30 miles. For me — and possibly for you — dropping was the best respect I might have proven to my thoughts, physique, and objectives that day.
I’m on this for the lengthy haul. I’m all in.
Name for Feedback
- Have you ever had any DNFs that you simply don’t remorse or are grateful for?
- The place do you draw the road in deciding it’s time to give up?
